


"Hunza Diet Bread" [MSTing]

by MSTerMegane67



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000, Spam E-Mail
Genre: MST, MST3K References, MST3k-Style Riffing, MSTing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 22:44:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10558948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MSTerMegane67/pseuds/MSTerMegane67
Summary: Join us for the newest fad diet, one that would make Dr. Atkins roll over in his thirty-percent thinner grave! One that would make Dr. Phil chuckle and pass the buttered escargots to Oprah! We have a slightly-unbalanced husband and wife act in this one, who claim this bread can do everything except be nominated for President. Watch the carbs flow free and the weight... well, it'll still stick around...





	

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*  
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

 

(The future isn't what it used to be...)

 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SHORTY!)

EPISODE 6: HUNZA DIET BREAD

(A MSTing of an Spam E-mail)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz

This is a MSTing of an advertisement created by another company.  
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment  
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or  
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are  
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just  
covering my own ass here folks...

* * *

DEEP 13

"ZZZZZzzzzz..."

*click* "THUNDER! Na na na na na na na na..."

A low growl emerged deep from the throat of Dr. Clayton Forrester  
as his fist emerged from underneath the blankets of his bed and slammed  
against the snooze button of his alarm clock. When the music failed to  
stop, he opened his eyes and groaned at the time displayed. Forcing  
himself upright to a sitting position, he soon realized the AC/DC was  
coming from outside his room.

"Frank... why are you forcing me to kill you so early in the morning?"  
Dr. Forrester grumbled as he reluctantly rolled over to the side of the bed  
and sat on the edge for a moment before rising to his feet. His irritation  
building, he grabbed his lime green bathrobe and stormed out of his room  
towards the laboratory. "Frank, this time I'm really... going... to..." Dr.  
Forrester's voice trailed off as he stepped into the lab and witnessed the  
scene before him.

The lab was completely littered with party favors, but unlike the  
decorations of a national holiday or a child's birthday, these decorations  
had a dark stormy theme which included papier mache clouds spewing  
pipe cleaner bolts, strobe lights flashing randomly and static globes  
everywhere. The lights in the lab were dimmed just enough to set the  
mood of an approaching storm.

Just then, TV's Frank emerged from underneath the control panel,  
wearing a green labcoat covered with sheet metal and a pair of glasses.  
"SURPRISE!!! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!" Frank exclaimed before  
rumbling forward to pull the startled Dr. Forrester into a big hug.  
At the same time, the sprinkler system activated, showering the two of  
them for a few moments before abruptly ceasing.

"F-Frank... what is this?" Dr. Forrester asked, too stunned to say  
much else.

"Don't you remember, Steve? This is the anniversary of the day you  
got hit by lightning! I've been looking forward to this party for WEEKS!"  
Frank gleefully exclaimed.

Dr. Forrester stiffened and withdrew from Frank's grasp. Instinctively,  
his fingers went to his mustache and then ran through his hair, where the  
white streak that ran through both served as a constant reminder of that  
day.

"Frank... why the HELL would you want to remind me, let alone  
CELEBRATE, a day where I almost died?" Dr. Forrester demanded in  
an angry voice.

"But that's the point! You almost died but you didn't! You beat the  
odds in a big way! Not only by getting hit by lightning but surviving too!  
You're a hero worthy of Reader's Digest! A private first class worthy of  
exploitation! A triumph of the human spirit!" Frank replied cheerfully.

Suddenly the lab was plunged into total darkness as the power failed,  
only to come back on a few moments later as Frank flashed a quick grin.

"FRANK..." Dr. Forrester growled menacingly.

"And Larry's here to celebrate with us too!" Frank continued as he  
turned on a nearby television. A moment later, the image of Dr. Larry  
Erhardt appeared on the screen. "Hey, Clay! Happy Anniversary!"  
Larry exclaimed in his usual squeaky voice. "Sorry I couldn't be there  
in person but Frank and I are going to help you get into the spirit of  
things with a little karaoke! Hit it, Frank!"

Frank immediately whipped out a microphone as he and Larry began  
singing 'Here Comes the Rain Again' by Eurythmics while dancing around  
shaking their sheet metal. For a moment, Dr. Forrester shook with rage,  
his mind reeling with possible tortures for Frank to endure for this farce.  
Then he found himself sighing.

For Frank didn't know the true reason why an anniversary for this day  
would be so painful for him. True, being hit by lightning was painful  
enough but there was another reason, one that he hadn't told anybody.  
A wistful look came over Dr. Forrester as he found himself remembering  
that day...

* * *

RENAISSANCE FAIR  
ONE YEAR AGO

 

The sky was dark and threatening as the vendors began moving their  
wares inside in preparation of the impending storm. Obvious to the  
weather, a serving wench and a man in a suit of armor were conversing  
nearby a stand serving ale.

"A boon, fair maiden! A... whadda hell is a boon, anyway?" Dr.  
Forrester's voice slurred as the serving wench he spoke to giggled. He  
desperately hoped she was laughing with him, not at him. Wearing a  
suit of armor, even a cheaply made one, had not been easy for him to  
pull off but it was the most effective way to keep a barrier between him  
and the girls that intimidated him while bolstering his courage. That, plus  
the several mugs of ale he had downed in the past hour, had given him a  
boldness that rivaled the strongest of barbecue sauces.

"Say... did I tell ya I got a man trapped in space!" Dr. Forrester  
exclaimed a little too loudly. "I... I jus' finished showin' him  
'Sidehackers'... but he said... he said love... packs the film or somethin'...  
I... I think he was stoned or somethin'..."

"What was that about love?" the wench inquired.

"Uhh..." Dr. Forrester struggled with his alcohol-fogged memory.  
"Only love... pads the film! Yeah, that's it! Love pads the film!" he  
exclaimed.

"Wow, that is so deep," The wench replied, impressed.

Suddenly, the skies opened up and it began to pour rain. The serving  
wench scrambled to bring her things inside as Dr. Forrester drunkenly  
struggled to help, only to trip over his own feet and collapse in a heap.  
Determined not to make a bigger fool of himself, he managed to struggle  
up to his feet only to find the joints of his armor a lot harder to move.  
Before he knew it, the armor had rusted stiff and he was trapped in a  
standing position, one arm stretched out towards the sky in an  
unintentionally heroic pose.

"Aren't you coming inside?" the serving wench attempted to yell  
over the roar of the storm but Dr. Forrester was far too terrified to hear  
her as he realized how much danger he was in.

"H-Help," he wimpered before losing control of his bladder  
for the second time that day...

* * *

It was nearly an hour later when the storm appeared to die down and  
the rain lessened to a drizzle. Dr. Forrester had his eyes tightly shut,  
expecting to be fried at any moment, when he heard a familiar voice.

"Wow! That was SO cool! You could've been killed and everything!  
You've got some serious guts to stay out in a storm with armor like that!"  
the voice of the serving wench gushed.

"Uhh... tis but a trifle?" Dr. Forrester replied timidly.

"Come on, handsome, let me... oh, sorry!" the serving wench caught  
herself and quickly resumed character. "Brave Sir Knight, allow this  
lowly wench a single kiss from thy lips so I may die happy!"

Dr. Forrester's eyes shot wide open. His body trembled like a leaf as  
he felt the wench slowly remove his helmet. He winced as he realized he  
probably didn't smell too good right now but she didn't seem to notice or  
care as she leaned forward and tilted her head towards his...

*FLASH* *ZAP!* "EEEEEEEEEEEEEYEOW!!!"

* * *

DEEP 13

"I won't stop rockin' all night, rockin' all night, until the lightning  
strikes agaaain...!"

The off-key harmony of Frank and Larry singing 'Lightning Strikes' by  
Ozzy Osbourne finally brought Dr. Forrester out of his reverie and back  
to the present. Running his hands through his hair one last time, Dr.  
Forrester sighed and then his eyes narrowed upon spotting a cattle prod  
painted with lightning bolts on a nearby counter. A slow smile crossed  
his face as he grabbed the cattle prod and calmly walked over to where  
Frank was singing and, without warning, jabbed it into his neck.

Frank yelped in pain and then upon seeing Dr. Forrester using the  
festive cattle prod exclaimed. "All right, Steve! Way to get into the spirit!  
Let's parrrrrrrrrrughhh!!!" Frank screamed as Dr. Forrester promptly stuck  
the cattle prod down the back of Frank's pants and left it there before going  
to the console and activating the viewscreen.

"Come in, Joel, my little... son of a...!" Dr. Forrester nearly choked  
on his own fury as he saw Joel and the bots dressed in lime green labcoats,  
streaked wigs and glasses, all of them sharing a microphone attached to  
a karaoke machine.

"Rockin' all night, rockin' all night until the lightning strikes  
agaaain...!" the bots sung in unison.

"Hey, sirs! Happy anniversary!" Joel exclaimed. "Frank gave us the  
heads up and we thought we'd celebrate with some karaoke and..."

"THAT DOES IT!!!" Dr. Forrester roared as the sprinklers system  
kicked in again, causing Frank to twitch and jerk around sporadically in  
the background. "Since you're all so determined to celebrate my trauma,  
I'm going to do a little celebrating of my own by sharing the pain and  
spreading it around with some ham and jam and SPAM a lot! It's bread,  
Jim! And lots of it! Along with historical inaccuracies, animal cruelty,  
dissing of diets, and the fluffiest interviewer the world of journalism has  
ever known! Bake it like a man, Joel! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Send  
them the spam, Frank..."

"Guh-gluuuuuh!" Frank replied as he stumbled over to the file  
cabinet, his spit-curl frayed at the ends...

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

"Geez, was it something we said?" Tom wondered.

"Maybe he just hates Ozzy?" Joel shrugged as alarms and sirens  
rang out. "OHHHH, WE'VE GOT SHORTY SIGN!!!"

 

(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)

(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you  
move on..)

(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)

(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and  
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)

(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into  
it.)

Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms,  
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping  
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his  
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to  
him, Crow sitting on his right.

 

>Based on 2000 Year Old Recipe

Tom: Straight from Mel Brooks's kitchen!

Crow: You take some eggs... then some mushrooms...

 

>Housewife In New York Accidentally  
>Invents A Bread That Miraculously  
>Stops Your Appetite And Hunger

Tom: ...this HAS to be a joke, right?

Crow: Side Effects Include Capitalization Of All Your Words.

Joel: Next, New York Woman Decides to Invent Substance that  
Washes Dishes, Quenches Thirst, and Comes Down from the Sky!

 

>HUNZA DIET BREAD is said to beat all fad diets hands down. It's  
>the fastest, painless way to lose weight.

Crow: Except for the raging constipation and anal bleeding as it goes  
like granite through your system...

Tom: Maybe it acts as a diet suppressant?

Joel: [person] I have... water, Hunza bread, and my shoes... naw,  
I'm not hungry.

 

>By Allen Perry,  
>Special feature writer (Champlain, NY)

Joel: [reporter] Well, I'm still here, twenty-five years after the  
Lake Placid Olympics... New York Times, can you PLEASE assign  
me something else!?

Tom: Ahh, finally Diet Bread gets it's own fanfic! Can Bagel  
Darkfics be far behind?

 

>Here is a message to all you genius research scientists trying to  
>find a painless way for people to lose weight. It's been done!  
>Not by a scientist, but, by a housewife.

Crow: It's called shame and boy does it work.

Tom: Proving once again that homeopathy is STILL better than  
years of research! Take that, established science!

 

>Being hailed here as the weight loss method of the century, HUNZA  
>DIET BREAD is rolling out like a juggernaught!

Crow: Juggernaught shall be spared on spellchecking.

Joel: Actually, it's proving to be as frightening as Sabretooth and as  
sinister as Magneto right now...

 

>The bread was discovered by accident, Irene Sette, wife of a  
>health researcher, was trying to duplicate a 2,000-year-old, high  
>roughage bread

Tom: The recipe calls for five carrots, thirteen prunes and a cord of  
red cedarwood.

 

>used by the little known civilization of Hunza. The Hunzas were being  
>studied by her husband.

Joel: [husband] And according to Sid Meier, the Pyramids were  
built in... Dusseldörf.

Crow: [husband] How can a civilization be created? Hmm... maybe  
I should rent "Krippendorf's Tribe" again.

 

>The Hunzas are considered to be the healthiest people on earth.  
>Their bread is the main part of their diet. Irene was trying to  
>make this bread good tasting so that her children would eat it.

Tom: This research on the Hunzas came about as an offshoot on the  
Ziox discovery in Canada. Respected scientist Zap Rowsdower  
explains...

 

>Irene succeeded in coming up with a recipe that was absolutely  
>delicious. Everybody loved it. But, then a startling discovery was  
>made.

Joel: Up through the ground came a bubblin' crude?

Crow: (singing) Kinfolk said, Grannie move away from there! Said  
Californy is the place you ought to be! So Irene packed up the car and  
moved to Beverly!

Tom: [Irene] BREEEEEEEEEEEAD!!!

 

>Just one or two very small pieces of bread would ruin a  
>person's appetite for 5 or 6 hours!

Joel: Especially when they started choking.

 

>At first, she became upset at this drawback. But then while  
>talking it over with her husband. Scott Sette, it hit them.

Joel: [husband] Great Scott Sette! I've got it!

Crow: [husband] The sky is falling! The sky is falling!

Tom: [Irene] Get'on' outta here, you damn Sette! Don't you dare  
sneak around our barn again!

 

>This was not a drawback at all, but a huge benefit. It was the  
>ultimate weapon in the fight against obesity that researchers  
>have been trying to discover for decades.

Crow: Completely indigestible food! It's amazingly astounding!

Joel: It was the ultimate weapon AND the universal soldier!

Tom: Oddly enough it was popular with the anorexic crowd as well.

 

>Irene had apparently come up with the first natural and healthy  
>appetite inhibitor. Or was she the first? Could this be a  
>designed bread invented thousands of years ago?

Tom: Could it have been baked by ancient astronauts?

Crow: Could it be the very same bread that Julius Caesar made the  
first croutons out of?

 

>The Hunzas have little food in the winter. Was the bread an ancient  
>discovery of a hunger suppressant which also provided healthful  
>nourishment to the body during winter months?

Tom: Or the very reason for their EXTINCTION?

Joel: The Hunzas were more famous for their cultivation of barley  
and hops, making... the very first beer bong.

Crow: Dude!

 

>Mr. Sette is a researcher for The New York Health Institute. He  
>had been studying the Hunzas for years. Now he had some questions  
>that needed answered.

Tom: Scott Sette. He's a cop. He solves bread.

Crow: [Scott Sette] Last chance, scumbag... either you tell me who  
sliced up the rye or you're toast!

 

>I held an interview with Mr. and Mrs. Sette in their lovely home  
>in Champlain, NY which is located right next to the Canadian  
>border in Upstate New York.

Tom: Next to the sixth Great Lake! Thank you, Bill Clinton!

Joel: [author] Or was it Mr. and Mrs. Ottoman?

 

>Upon arrival my greeting was warm and friendly

Crow: While their greeting was spiteful and soaked my shirt with  
spittle.

 

>and I immediately felt right at home and everyone was on a first name  
>basis.

Tom: Unfortunately, my first name wasn't Meathead.

Joel: [Mr. Keaton] Beat it, Skippy. Mallory still doesn't want to  
date you.

 

>I also noticed that the Sette's were exceptionally trim, fit and  
>healthy. Our interview took place in the kitchen with the HUNZA  
>DIET BREAD being prepared for me to taste.

Joel: [Mrs. Sette] Now then, where'd I put that jar of cat knuckles?

Crow: [Mr. Sette] That's right, soak ALL of the vodka in there...

Tom: It's baked with a secret blend of eleven herbs and spices, along  
with a heavy fifteen-pill helping of Dexatrim.

 

>It smelled delicious.

Tom: But so does a freshly mowed lawn! Gimme a break!

Joel: [Interviewer] Oh, wait. That's just my feet.

 

>Question: "Scott, to what do you attribute the powerful appetite  
>inhibiting properties of your wife's bread?"

Crow: Powerful and illegal mind-altering substances.

Joel: [Scott] The fact that she immediately hits me over the head  
with her rolling pin after I'm done eating.

 

>Answer: "Well, Allen, right now we're in the stage of making  
>educated guesses. Theory 1 is that Irene, while experimenting  
>with the bread recipe accidentally combined natural food  
>substances which react together to form a natural appetite or  
>hunger inhibitor.

Tom: Theory number two is that she's lacing the whole damn loaf  
with strychnine.

Crow: Theory number three is she kneads the dough into a shape  
resembling dog poopie.

 

>There are also facts being uncovered that support Theory 2 that  
>this bread was designed in ancient times for the express purpose  
>of tiding people over, when food supplies were scarce.

Crow: As repeated three times earlier.

Tom: And this would be why the Hunza died out. They weren't  
hungry anymore and just keeled over from malnutrition.

Joel: (singing) Hunza Diet Bread! It's genocidally delicious!

 

>Let's start with the Hunzas who are the healthiest people on earth. I  
>consider their bread to be one of the main reasons for this."

Crow: It's a darn shame other civilizations found that they could be  
healthier by eating Hunzas.

Tom: And while the Hunzas were perfecting their super bread, the  
foolish Pakistanis wasted their precious resources on frivolous things  
like tanks and guns...

 

>Question: "Before you do that, Scott, I would like to give the  
>reader a little background of the Hunzas. I have here a feature  
>story which has been published in many major newspapers  
>throughout North America." Here is an excerpt from the article:

Joel: HUNZAS MURDERED BY BREAD! LOAFS STILL AT  
LARGE!

Crow: HUNZAS BREAK LONG SILENCE, DECLARE DIET BREAD  
TO BE ANTI-CHRIST!

Tom: HUNZAS FALL TO THE PISTONS IN OVERTIME, 122-117.

 

>"The Hunzas exist isolated from the rest of the world in the  
>Himalayan Mountains where they live to be 110 to 120 years old.  
>They have no cancer, heart attacks, or other major disorders to  
>speak of. They are active and fit to the very end.

Crow: They are mountain goats who developed opposable thumbs.  
Luckily, Hunza Bread turns out to be a good FLEA suppressant as well.

Tom: If you would like more information about the Hunzas, please  
send an SASE and $9.99 for an official transcript to: Hunzas, PO Box  
349, Kathmandu Nepal.

 

>Men father children at 100 years and older.

Joel: And their wives have to diaper both of them.

 

>Overweight people are unheard of because they have the perfect  
>weight control system."

Crow: A lack of money to spend on food! And it really really works!

 

>The story then relates research and fact finding visits to Hunza  
>by such notables as Queen Elizabeth, Art Linkletter and N.B.C.,  
>The National Geographic Magazine, Frank Shor, Lowell Thomas, Jr.,  
>Chou En Lai of China. Visitors to Hunza all came back with the same  
>identical description of the Hunza people:

Crow: [Queen Elizabeth] Lazy gits, sure glad I gave 'em independence.

Joel: [National Geographic] Er, no thanks, we're not hungry. We just  
came to take nude pictures.

Tom: [Frank Shor] Okay, you bastards. Where'reya hidin' that big  
white Abominable Snowman bloke? Talk or I'll shoot!

 

>"Hunza men are straight, tall, broad-shouldered, deep-chested,  
>slim-waisted, heavy-legged, and have full heads of hair. Hunza women  
>are straight, tall, slim-waisted, developed bosoms, perfect complexions,  
>and luxuriant hair.

Crow: Breast enhancing bread? Cool!

Joel: Hunza Diet Bread, the choice of all Bishounen!

 

>Both men and women have perfect teeth and eyesight even at 100  
>years and older! They are neat, clean, intelligent and friendly. And  
>you can't find an overweight person.

Tom: [Scott] Unless you look behind particularly wide trees.

 

>Hunza women at 80 look no older than North American women of 40.

Joel: And Hunza women at 40 look no older than a fetus.

Crow: And their armpit hair is 6 inches shorter than European women  
of 40.

 

>Fatigue is virtually unknown.

Tom: Cause they're too damn lazy to work!

 

>Hunza men over 90 years old repeatedly walk the mountain trail of 65  
>miles from the town of Gilgit with a full pack and immediately start to  
>work in the fields again!"

Joel: Yeah, and we didn't believe it when *our* grandparents said the  
same thing.

 

>The article then relates an eye-opening experiment by the world  
>renowned, brilliant English surgeon, Dr. Robert McCarrison, who  
>tested the merits of the Hunza diet in a controlled, scientific  
>experiment on 5,000 laboratory rats.

Tom: 4999 died and the last one wrote a letter to the editor of the  
London Times complaining about inhumane treatment.

Crow: He shaved their butts and shoved bread where the sun don't  
shine.

 

>He took the one group of normal rats and put them on the Hunza  
>diet. He then took a second group and put them on a typical  
>English diet.

Joel: Nothing fancy, just some blood sausage and day-old haggis.

Tom: Later, both groups went on to help Mrs. Frisby move.

 

>After several years the rats on the Hunza diet showed absolutely no  
>disease, had proper weight, and were completely healthy beyond normal.

Crow: [Rizzo the Rat] Alright! Bring on the bacon and coffee! We're  
feeling dangerous today!

Joel: And if you hold one of these rats up to a cancer patient, it'll  
give off secret Hunza health rays and instantly cure them! Yes  
they will!

 

>The rats on the English diet were overweight, diseased and had  
>tumors, ulcers, bad teeth, crooked spines, falling hair, skin  
>disorders, heart trouble, kidney trouble, glandular trouble and  
>they were very hostile.

Joel: Hey, no fair feeding them mad cow!

Tom: Sure, the rats bled heavily and suffered ungodly amounts of pain  
but hey, it's worth it to see the total eradication of the EEEEVIL  
overweight people!

 

>He then took these diseased rats who had been on the English diet and  
>put them on the Hunza diet. They all became well!

Joel: Rrrright, bread fixed a crooked spine. Uh-huh.

Tom: So, Mr. E-mail Spammer Guy, you wouldn't mind if we asked  
for the documentation for such an experiment or why the hell a surgeon  
and not a dietitian is conducting this experiment?

Crow: [Bela Lugosi] I got the job! How fortunate! This will  
simplify everything!

 

>"O.K., now we can continue.

Crow: And for those of you NOT in Oklahoma, stop right here!

Tom: But enough about torturing vermin, let's get back to the HARD  
SELL!

 

>So, you feel that the Hunza bread may be "by design" both a hunger  
>suppressant and a super health food?"

Joel: Not to mention a cheap get rich quick scheme?

Tom: Yeah, plus it keeps your rats healthy and happy.

Crow: So, Mr. Deaf Man, how sweet do the birds sound in the  
morning?

 

>Answer: "Yes, but if it is, there's a question, who designed it?

Joel: Flynn?

Tom: Akira Toriyama?

Crow: The Wachowski Brothers?

 

>Now the Hunzas were originally soldiers of Alexander the Great.  
>This bread may have been designed for the use of his far  
>traveling armies. It would make sense. It's the most compact form  
>of hunger satisfaction and nutrition I know of.

Tom: So the Himalayas are crawling with Pappadopouloses and  
Athenoses? Who would've thought?

Joel: And with his soldier's bread quickly laying waste to the armies that  
opposed him, it was said that Alexander wept, for there were no more  
worlds to conquer...

 

>But, further investigation brought about some really wild  
>possibilities.

Crow: Turns out crop circles are actually a form of worship for  
the Hunza Diet Bread! Spooky, huh?

Tom: Hunza bread can be used as a prophylactic. A chamois for  
your car. It can be listened to on any CD player. It doubles as a  
doorstop. It shoots out dough. It lights up and can be used at  
parties...

 

>According to traces of Macedonian Heritage, this bread could have  
>originated in Egypt over 5,000 years ago. As you know, the Egyptians  
>were capable of doing many things that modern science cannot  
>duplicate.

Crow: Like... uh... putting hundreds of thousands into servitude to  
complete marginally decent architecture?

Joel: Why, it wasn't until 1986 that people learned to walk like an  
Egyptian.

 

>But getting back to the focal point of this matter, regardless of  
>where it came from, we have it. And, it's tested and it works."

Crow: Tested on rats and Greek deserters who traipse around the  
Himalayas. Well, that's good enough for me, what's the number?

Tom: And if you believe that, I have another diet for you! Cover yourself  
in talcum powder, get a fan, and blow blow BLOW the weight off the Buddy  
Rose way!

 

>Question: "That bread smells delicious. And since we're going to  
>discuss the bread, let's ask the discoverer. Irene, how did it  
>all start?"

Crow: A warm oven, a pile of dough, and a pint of brandy.

Joel: [Irene] I was deleting spam in my mailbox when I realized. "Hey,  
I can do that too!"

 

>Answer: "Well, as I mentioned. Scott had been investigating the  
>Hunzas for many years and was convinced that their bread was one  
>of the major reasons for their good health. So he asked me to  
>duplicate it and use it at home.

Joel: [Irene] The first time, it ended up as new roofing material.

Tom: I love how the cooking tasks devolve to the poor woman in this  
post...

 

>I thought it would be easy at first but it turned into a  
>nightmare. The recipes that visitors to Hunza came back with  
>were either too general or did not turn into bread at all.

Crow: On the plus side, we now have a complete set of misshapen wheat  
dishes, cups and saucers.

 

>So, I decided to make a list of all the key food elements in Hunza and  
>began experimenting, trying to come up with a bread that would  
>taste good so that our kids would like it too."

Tom: [Irene] I was rather put out when the local Circle K didn't carry  
yak milk in stock.

Joel: [Irene] Then I used peanut butter and jelly on the bread and the  
kids loved it!

 

>Question: "How long did it take before you were successful?"  
>Answer: "Oh, after about six months of trial and error I finally  
>hit on a perfect batch one summer morning. Everyone in the family  
>shared some of the bread and raved about how good it was.

Crow: [kids] It's really good, Mommy! Uh, can we have our toys back  
now?

 

>With no exaggeration, it was the best bread we had ever tasted.  
>After eating the bread, nobody had an appetite that day and the  
>kids weren't hungry for lunch which was very unusual but we  
>didn't think much about it at the time.

Joel: [Irene] Kids Schmids! 'All My Children' is on!

Tom: Of course, I wouldn't be hungry if I were puking my guts out in  
the bathroom either.

 

>Then we started to notice that whenever we ate the bread during  
>the day we weren't hungry for our evening meal. It got so that I  
>wouldn't allow anyone to eat the bread unless it was with our  
>evening meal. But, then I found that when I served it at dinner,  
>everybody ate a much smaller amount of their meal.

Joel: So giving children appetite suppressants is a good idea? Huh.

Crow: [Kids] Mommyyyy, the bread hurts my tummy...

Joel: [Irene] I know, dear, but finish your greens anyway.

 

>It got to the point that if we were going out to eat or if I was  
>cooking a special dinner, the bread was not allowed for that day.  
>I was even beginning to get upset that my delicious bread had  
>turned into a problem because it devoured everyone's appetite and  
>hunger."

Crow: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Tom: All attempts to destroy the bread failed as it continued to be  
served sporadically until the family were forced to flee in terror as the  
house was sucked into a vortex.

 

>Question: "How long did it take you to realize that what you  
>really had was the all-time weapon against obesity?"

Joel: [Irene] About the time black helicopters started circling above  
our roof and we began receiving bids on-line from wanna-be world  
conquerors...

Crow: Oh, so that's the true use of Hunza bread... beating people over  
the head with it!

 

>Answer: "You know it was quite a long time. Three or four  
>months. And surprisingly, my husband was involved in obesity  
>research at the time. Also, both of us had trouble with being  
>overweight.

Crow: Boy, Scott will do ANYTHING to get out of the house, eh?

Tom: [Scott] Honey, I have to investigate another strange civilization...  
where? Uhh, the name of the land is El-Hazard... I met up with this  
woman named Ifurita...

Joel: [Irene] Wait right there, I have something for you.

Tom: [Scott] A kiss?

Joel: [Irene] Nope, a bullet.

 

>There it was right in front of our noses; but, we were too close  
>to it, to see it ourselves. Then one day we were talking to a friend I  
>grew up with who was telling us that she was taking prescription diet  
>pills to help reduce her appetite.

Crow: She was only eighty pounds so I was a little concerned.

Joel: [friend] When are these Prilosec pills supposed to start working  
again?

 

>It hit both of us at once. We jumped up and said. "Boy, have we  
>got the thing for you!" That was it. We both were ready to kick  
>ourselves for not seeing it before.

Crow: [Irene] A coupon for free liposuction, you fat-assed bitch.

Tom: [friend] Thanks, hope you choke on your bread, ya cow.

Crow: [Irene] And keep your damn leaves on YOUR property, ho.

Joel: [Scott] When did I lose control of this spam?

 

>Both my husband and I started using the bread as a weight loss  
>device and began losing weight like crazy, much faster than any  
>weight loss method we ever tried, and, we have tried them all  
>believe me. We then decided to call it HUNZA DIET BREAD."

Crow: [Irene] And the neighbors know who's controlling the supply  
and the source. When the west end falls, we'll control the city.

Tom: Unfortunately, they didn't count on mayor MIKE HAGGAR!

Joel: Eh, just kidnap his daughter. That'll keep him in line.

 

>Question: "Scott, according to your research, exactly how does it  
>compare to some of the fad diets such as liquid protein?"

Joel: [Scott] Simple, those diets have cooties and ours is a million  
billion times better, so there!

Crow: I hear characters in lemons are into liquid protein.

 

>Answer: "There's no comparison. Those diets are in another  
>league, the minor league, next to our HUNZA DIET BREAD.

Crow: Ha ha ha! They are so shameless! Minor league, ooh, what a  
burn!

Tom: [Scott] Pull pounds from your household vermin in a matter  
of days! Straighten the backs of all the mouse slave labor that YOU  
have living under your floorboards!

 

>Fad diets such as The Zone and Protein Power are not only  
>ineffective, they're downright dangerous.

Tom: And don't even get him started on anything from Richard Simmons.  
You can't even trust him to guard a mountain.

Crow: The Zone? Isn't that a funland with plastic balls and stuff?

Joel: If it's anything like Chucky Cheese, the pizza alone will swear  
you off food for a week.

 

>When I say they are ineffective I mean; that either a person will  
>not stick with them because they are uncomfortable or when the  
>diet is over they'll put the weight right back on.

Joel: But when you go Hunza, you go for life.

Crow: In the immortal words of Susan Powter, "Stop the Insanity!"

 

>All of us lifetime dieters know of the miseries of the high  
>protein and liquid protein (or milkshake) diets. They seem okay for  
>the first few days, then they become repulsive.

Tom: Especially on St. Patrick's Day. Thank you, McDonalds!

 

>You get "full" on these diets but not satisfied. Then they bring on  
>unpleasant complications that can jeopardize your health. The liquid  
>protein diet is the worst of all of them. This diet is really dangerous to  
>your health and very unpleasant.

Tom: [Scott] And more importantly, those diets won't make *US*  
any money!

Joel: Everyone got that? Liquid protein is Liquid EVIL! Support  
your local Hunzas! Buy bread where you shop or bank!

 

>Some of the side effects include: fatigue, dizzy spells, bad breath, hair  
>loss, oily skin, constipation and cardiovascular disorders.

Crow: [Ed Grimley] Awesome! A vast improvement, I must say!

Tom: And when we put the rats on the diet... well... never mind, it's just  
too horrible to describe.

 

>All that stuff they tell you about liquid protein is complete  
>nonsense. What it really amounts to is fasting. But, they tell  
>you that "in fasting the body attacks the body protein first."  
>That's hogwash.

Tom: It's also horse fritters, mule muffins, buffalo biscuits and any other  
Sherman Potterism you can think of.

Crow: [Irene] Just buy our bread, dammit! Scott has numerous  
frivolous things of considerable expense to buy for me!

Joel: [Scott] I wanna train set!

 

>Fasting is an effective and healthy way to lose weight which has  
>been successfully used by the greatest men in history for over  
>2.000 years. The Hunzas fast regularly and they live to be 120  
>years old.

Crow: And if it weren't for Exxon, they'd live to be 150 easy!

 

>Liquid protein actually ruins a fast. The only thing you do when you  
>add liquid protein is cause problems.

Joel: Yeah, I hear most gang violence nowadays can be directly tied to  
liquid protein.

Tom: I hear 100% of teenage pregnancies could have been avoided were  
it not for liquid protein.

Crow: I hear they've already inked Ben Affleck for the sequel, "Liquid  
Protein Madness".

 

>You have a less effective fast and the excess protein wreaks havoc  
>with the body.  
>All liquid protein diets amount to nothing more than a scheme to  
>sell liquid protein."

Joel: Whereas all Hunza bread diets amount to nothing more than a  
suspension of belief.

 

>Question: "I know what you're talking about, I'm what you call a  
>"lifetime dieter" myself.

Crow: ...They cut years instead of calories? What's the deal?

Tom: [Irene] Heyyyy, wait a minute! That would mean you're...  
you're... OVERWEIGHT?!? DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!

Joel: [Scott] Oh great, that's the fourth interviewer this month...

 

>These fad diets are just that fads, because as soon as people find out  
>how bad they are, they disappear.

Tom: [Irene] No way! My Cabbage Patch Kid will be popular  
FOREVER!!

Crow: [Interviewer] Oh... these fad diets, you say? In that case...  
BYE-BYEEE!

 

>Now, I like hearing about a diet that's been around for at least  
>2,000 years. That rings of stability.  
>(At this point Irene placed the hot bread on a bread board. It looked  
>very appetizing to say the least.)

Joel: At least till it blinked and yawned.

Crow: [bread] Aw, can't I loaf just a little longer?

 

>Tell me about the advantages of HUNZA DIET BREAD. I will get a  
>piece, won't I?"  
>  
>Answer: "Of course, just as soon as it cools a little. There are  
>primary and secondary benefits. The biggest benefit I can think  
>of is that the dieter just doesn't suffer AT ALL!

Crow: They die peacefully in their sleep.

 

>It's such a natural and powerful appetite inhibitor.

Tom: [Irene as Purple Tentacle] I feel like I could... TAKE ON  
THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Joel: (singing) You've got the bread... I've got the brains... let's make  
lots of money!

 

>This bread satisfies both appetite and hunger. And it does it  
>with only 84 calories (100 calories spread with butter) as effectively  
>as most 1800 calorie full meals.

Tom: 16 calorie butter? Now THERE'S a dieter's dream.

 

>We define appetite and hunger like this: appetite is mainly the  
>desire you get for food even when you know you're really not  
>hungry. It's that craving in your mouth you get that's known as  
>the cold mouth feeling.

Joel: And only fish hooks with plastic worms can satisfy it.

Crow: But if your butt rattles, you may have that cottonmouth feeling.

 

>It can also be present even though you've just eaten. Your  
>stomach may be full but you still crave something else. This is  
>the feeling you get with a protein diet. You can stuff  
>yourself with protein until you're ready to bust but the cold  
>mouth craving is still there.

Tom: Think that fat guy in 'Seven' had cold mouth craving?

Joel: Well, so much for my peanut butter and pork belly diet...

Crow: Can we invoke the name of Gendon into this spam yet?

 

>Hunger on the other hand is best described as those pangs of  
>hunger you get or that empty feeling in your stomach that lets  
>you know you really need to eat something rather than simply  
>wanting to eat for the enjoyment of it.

 

All: (singing) It's the... rye or the kaiser, it's the thrill of one bite, let  
me please be your catering advisor...

 

>After a slice or two of HUNZA DIET BREAD you eliminate both  
>appetite and hunger. You feel satisfied and full. And, it lasts  
>depending on the person up to 7 hours. For both of us it lasts 6  
>to 7 hours."  
>  
>Question: "What is the secondary benefit?"

Tom: Webbed feet?

Joel: Prehensile tail?

Crow: Uhh, I don't know. Ask our first client... Michael Jackson.

 

>Answer: "Well, first of all each slice of HUNZA DIET BREAD is  
>close to being a balanced meal in itself. So right off the bat  
>you don't strip your body of nutrition or give it too much of one  
>thing or too little of another.

Crow: Our bread works slowly to suck the nutrition out of your body,  
ensuring a slow but steady death.

Tom: After all, who needs silly things like meat, milk or vegetables?

 

>Second, not only is the bread nutritional, but it contains some  
>proven good health producing foods of the Hunzas. Also, it is  
>high in roughage or fiber. It passes through your digestive  
>system quickly so the actual absorbed calories are less. You  
>also become very regular eating this bread."

Crow: It'll blast your colon so hard, it'll become an exclamation mark!

 

>Question: "IRENE, tell me what it's like to eat a piece of the  
>bread, that is, what do you experience yourself?"

Tom [Irene, singing] My loaf is like wo! My bread is like wo!

Joel: [Irene] Complete spiritual oneness with the heavens... and a  
little bit of pooty gas.

 

>Answer: "OK., let's start with the eating. We suggest eating it  
>while it's still warm, with a little butter. It's a heavy bread.  
>I only need one slice, my husband usually has 2 slices. Eating  
>it is the first delightful experience you'll have. It tastes  
>better than any bread that we've ever eaten.

Crow: But little did Irene know that Scott had begun secretly sampling  
another bread that used all THREE parts of the grain...

Joel: (singing) Tempted by the bread of another...

 

>Along with the taste, being warm makes it truly satisfying to eat.

Tom: [Irene] Hehe, that's why I keep mine in Scott's pants.

 

>Now, here's what its like hour by hour after you eat the bread.

Crow: Oh yes, spare us none of these fascinating details.

Joel: First, the bread becomes a gooey ball. Then your stomach  
throws its hands in the air and says, "I give up". For some reason, it's  
sent to your pancreas next...

 

>Hour 1 and 2. Each minute after you finish eating the bread seems  
>like a build-up of a "fullness" feeling. It's just as though you have kept  
>on eating. You keep getting fuller and fuller. Both your appetite and  
>hunger are very satisfied. You don't crave anything more.  
>  
>Hour 3. In hour 3 something else happens.

Tom: [Scott] The room starts to get dark... your life flashes before your  
eyes... for some reason, you doze briefly...

 

>The thought of food just doesn't appeal to you.

Joel: The thought of suicide becomes painless.

Crow: The faces of those you've wronged float up at you.

 

>It's not an unpleasant experience, quite the opposite. But, you don't  
>have a desire for food in any way, shape or form.

Tom: Human blood, on the other hand...

Joel: Well, that's a relief. I'd hate to have another torrid yet bitter  
affair with the Brussel sprouts.

 

>Hour 4 and 5. You no longer have a feeling of being stuffed  
>or turned off by the thought of eating but, there's a kind of  
>nothing feeling. You don't want to eat, and you don't crave  
>anything. It's just as I said, a sort of comfortable "nothing"  
>stage.

Tom: Suddenly you have an urge to visit Leonato's house.

Crow: Just be sure not to give your feeling a new name or you're  
screwed.

Joel: Your hands begin to sweat as you realize that you're aimless  
and drifting. Instead of food, you find yourself with an urge to... buy  
more Hunza bread.

 

>Hour 6 and 7. Toward the end of the 6th hour you begin to  
>get mildly hungry which then slowly increases into the 6th  
>and 7th hour."

Tom: And by the 11th hour, you'll be too busy attempting to solve  
infuriatingly inane puzzles to care about eating.

Joel: [Henry Stauf] Pardon my... coffin.

Tom: Ah, shaddap.

 

>Question: "Now, all that for only the cost of 100 to 200  
>calories. You can't get that performance out of a 2,000 calorie  
>meal can you?"

Joel: No, but the mileage is another story.

Crow: What's the exchange rate for calories to dollars again?

 

>Answer: "Right. Now you've got the gist of the whole thing.

Tom: [Scott] FINALLY! I'm about to lose my voice here!  
*cough cough* Honey? Little lozenge here, please?

 

>Here's another little known thing about standard lunch hours and  
>dinners. Let's say you eat a milk shake, hamburger and french  
>fries for lunch, that's over a 1,000 calories. There's a lot of  
>sugar and salt in that meal.

Joel: And yet it's so darn tasty. Talk about an enigma!

Crow: [Scott] Not to mention how McDonald's puts sugar in its  
food to addict people of all ages to their food... buuuuuuut that's a  
rant e-mail for a different time...

 

>When you're done the first thing that happens is that your body  
>shoots a large amount of insulin into your system to counteract  
>the sugar. Your blood sugar is lowered and within an hour you  
>feel hungry again and start snacking. On top of that the salt has  
>made you thirsty and you gulp water or soft drinks and retain the  
>fluids.

Joel: So eat nothing but Hunza bread and forgo all sugar and sodium  
completely! You'll be glad you did!

Crow: [Scott] But for those that consider vermouth the pause that  
refreshes, drive on through!

 

>On the other hand, if you try a "Weight watchers" lunch, or  
>similar balanced diet, you'd have to eat between 400 to 600  
>calories of cottage cheese, lean meat, and eggs to feel  
>reasonably full. But, you would not be satisfied and almost  
>immediately you'd be hungry again and need to consume more of the  
>same.

Crow: [Scott] Let's see, liquid protein, fast food, weight watchers,  
what other diets can we trash, honey?

Tom: [Irene] Well, we have pictures of Atkins with three bellhops,  
some Vaseline and an electric eel...

Crow: [Scott] Perfect!

 

>You can't win. There's no diet that exists where you don't suffer in  
>some way."

Tom: Such as the Hunza Bread diet. Hell, even if you're NOT on it,  
you're still suffering through THIS post!

 

>Question: "Scott, exactly what kind of a program do you go on to  
>lose weight with HUNZA DIET BREAD?"

Joel: You have to shout it for the full effect.

Crow: 10 Print "Hunza Bread Rulzs!!!". 20 Goto 10. Run.

 

>Answer: "There are many ways to do it. This is another benefit.  
>It's flexible. Here are some typical plans. Each slice of bread  
>is thinly spread with butter for a total of 100 calories.  
>  
>Plan A: Eat 1 slice every 5 hours of the 16 hours you're awake.  
>That's 3 slices which total 300 calories. This is the fastest  
>way to lose weight I know of. It works faster for me than any  
>high protein diet.

Joel: Yeah, well, speed kills, Scott!

Crow: [Scott] Of course, I add just a dollop of Nutella for flavor... and  
a bit of Cheese Whiz for color... and some bacon bits for luck...

 

>Why? You have more energy and burn more calories. Second, the  
>high fiber bread keeps your digestive system regular. Third, your  
>body stays healthy. A healthy body means a properly functioning  
>metabolic system.

Tom: Until the bread short-circuits your brain into thinking your  
heart is a burnable source of calories.

 

>Plan B: Really gorge yourself with the bread. Two slices every  
>four hours for a total of 8 slices but only 800 calories. You'll  
>feel full all day. In fact, I doubt many people could eat this  
>much of the bread.

Joel: [Scott] We surgically inserted a stomach window into our  
oldest son, and he could barely fit six slices in there!

Tom: [Scott] So we're also marketing... the Hunza Bread IV Drip!

Crow: Needlemark junkies... walking the streets, needing their fix of  
Hunza...

 

>Plan C: Eat a slice in the morning for breakfast and a slice 3  
>hours before your dinner and you will eat a great deal less.

Joel: Thus increasing the number of kids starving in Japan by tenfold!

Crow: [Scott] And once you decide to gorge yourself on Ding Dongs  
and Gobstoppers, the bread will have finished festering in your stomach  
and you'll spend the next three hours on the toilet!

 

>Plan D: Eat a slice of HUNZA DIET BREAD,

Tom: Hey, wait a minute! Exactly WHICH bread were we supposed to  
be eating for Plans A to C??

 

>10 minutes before you eat your regular meal. When we do this we  
>eat only a fraction, such as 1/4 of what we would normally eat. If  
>we wait longer than 10 minutes we don't want to eat at all.

Joel: [Scott] And if we wait fifteen minutes, Irene starts to look  
like a Hostess Cupcake.

Tom: [Irene] Speak for yourself, Big Mac.

 

>Plan E: Eat the bread at the end of meals that don't fill you  
>up enough, such as low calorie meals. This is a perfect way to  
>use the bread. You eat a low calorie meal, enjoy it, then eat a  
>slice or two of bread to fill you up. Perfect! No suffering and  
>no urge to snack.

Crow: Plan F: Tape a piece of bread over your mouth.

Tom: Plan G: Stick your head in the oven while the Hunza bread is  
baking.

Joel: Plan Z: Launch Gamera into space.

 

>Plan F: Alternate Plan A, B, C, D.

Tom: Yeah, this won't test the reader's patience or anything.

Crow: A. Hold me. B. Thrill me. C. Kiss me. D. Kill me.

 

>We recommend an alternation of the plans, but some people who  
>just want to get the weight off as soon as possible will use Plan A  
>exclusively."

Tom: Which one was that again? I'm hopelessly confused.

Joel: The one where Scott runs a buttonhook right and Irene  
crosses the field ten yards up.

Tom: Ah.

 

>Question: "Yes, Irene, you have a comment?"

Joel: [Irene] Hi, Mom!

Tom: [Irene] Can we have a bathroom break already?

Joel: [Irene] I know it sounds cliché, but won't someone please  
think of the children?

Crow: [Irene] I'm with Stupid.

 

>Answer: "Yes, you can really think up all kinds of ways to use  
>the bread. For instance, as a housewife it's harder to diet  
>because you have to prepare food for the family. I eat my bread  
>exactly 2 hours before I am going to prepare a meal. That way  
>when I prepare the meal I am in the 3rd hour where food just  
>doesn't hold any interest for me. No way am I tempted to nibble  
>or taste."

Tom: [Irene] I just take this high powered rifle, visit the local  
observatory and blow off some... steam!

Joel: [Irene] Following my recurring blackouts, Scott is always  
gracious with cold cloths.

 

>Question: "Irene, you all look very healthy. Is it because of  
>the bread?"  
>  
>Answer: "That's a big part of it. You feel better and look  
>better after you start eating this bread. You know my daughter,  
>besides having a weight problem, also had a mild case of acne,  
>and since she started eating the bread her skin has completely  
>cleared up."

Tom: [Irene] I have no clue why she started strapping bread to her  
face but it looks ten times better than those unsightly red welts she  
calls cheeks.

Crow: [Irene] It also cleared up Scott's impotence and your lactating  
nipples, didn't it, Mr. Interviewer?

 

>Question: "Scott, how many pounds can you lose a week  
>using this bread?"  
>  
>Answer: "The exact number of pounds depends on the person's  
>size and metabolic rate. Using the bread I lost 11 pounds and  
>Irene lost 7 pounds in the first two weeks.

Tom: [Scott] In the third week, I lost 512 pounds. I was amazed  
to weigh negative 388 pounds...

Joel: [Irene] Finally, I'm a size double negative!

 

>The point is, as I said earlier, that our experience shows that  
>you lose weight faster on this method than any other method that  
>I know exists."

Crow: Or acknowledge.

 

>Question: "That's a lot of weight to lose in such a short period  
>of time. Irene, I see you're cutting the bread.

Tom: Careful there, Irene. You wouldn't want to cut those large  
folds of skin that're still hanging all over your body...

 

>It's strange to say, it even looks like it would fill you up quickly."  
>  
>Answer: "You'll soon see for yourself. Take a piece. Spread a  
>little butter on it and enjoy.

Tom: [Interviewer] Ooh, you even provided "I Can't Believe It's  
Not Butter"! And here I was thinking there was no way to make this  
disgusting slab of flour any LESS edible!

 

>I had a slice with butter. The bread was medium brown and it was  
>a heavy bread.

Joel: As I immediately discovered when it fell through the table  
and broke my big toe.

Tom: And then it started a discourse on the metaphysics of Nietzschean  
ubermenschen.

Crow: Wow, that IS some heavy bread.

 

>It had a very appealing grainy texture and when I spread the butter on  
>the warm slice it melted into the bread and made my mouth water.

Tom: [Interviewer] And once I took a bite, my mouth stopped  
watering and started to bleed.

Joel: [Interviewer] It's eating my tongue!! IT'S EATING MY  
TONGUE!!

 

>I took a bite. The delicious taste of the bread filled my mouth.  
>You could tell that it was hearty, full of substance, chewy, and  
>I could just tell it was good for you. Perhaps our bodies trigger  
>an instinct that lets us know what's good or bad for us.

Tom: This is the same idiot that goes skydiving with an umbrella  
"for kicks", right?

Joel: And as the interviewer felt himself shrink to six inches in  
height, he remarked in a tiny voice "Then again, perhaps not."

Crow: One bite of the bread took the interviewer to the planet of  
Gor... of course, the next bite just transports him back.

 

>White bread gives you an empty feeling like you're biting into  
>cotton compared to this bread. It was indeed the best bread I  
>ever tasted. I devoured two slices and felt very full and  
>satisfied. I looked at the time. It was 1:25 pm."

Tom: [Interviewer] I realized I was late for my expose on the evils  
of Jenny Craig.

 

>Question: "You weren't kidding were you? That bread is out of  
>this world. It just gives you what you crave. I can't put my  
>finger on it."  
>  
>Answer: "The best part is yet to come. Let me know what you  
>experience by calling us in about 6 hours."

Joel: [Scott as Count Rugan] And remember, this is for posterity, so...  
be honest. How do you feel?

Tom: [Interviewer, sobbing] Wuh-huh-huh-huh-huh...

Joel: [Scott] Interesting...

Crow: [Irene] Louder!

 

>Question: "I'll tell you my appetite is just about gone right  
>now. I see what you mean by the build up effect. I feel like I  
>have just eaten a full course meal. But now, how can other people  
>get the bread?"

Tom: Well, first you have to raise the dough...

Crow: Oh, just RYE, Servo.

Joel: Heh.

 

>Answer: "We originally felt the best way to make the bread  
>available to the public was to contract with a reputable food  
>processor to prepare and package the bread and then distribute it  
>for us. But that turned out to be unbelievably expensive and the  
>red tape involved in getting a food product on the market wasn't  
>something we wanted to get involved with.

Joel: [Interviewer] They turned you down, eh?

Tom: [Scott] Flatter than piss on a plate.

Crow: [Irene] Undaunted, we went to Japan where our product  
was finally given the publicity it so richly deserved.

Tom: [Chairman Kaga] I unveil the theme ingredient! HUNZA  
GIKAI PAAAAAAANN!!!

Joel: [Iron Chef Morimoto] Kuso...

 

>So we decided to just publish the recipe for anyone else who'd  
>like to make it at home." To order a copy, all you have to do is  
>write "HUNZA DIET BREAD" on a piece of paper and send it along  
>with a check or money order in the amount of $10.00 to:

Tom: ...your local ASPCA and make sure those brave rats didn't die  
in vain!

Joel: [Scott] You don't even need an envelope! A safety pin will easily  
attach the check to the paper!

 

>Question: "Sounds great! And thank you for your hospitality it  
>was very nice meeting you."

Tom: [Interviewer] Now if you could please remove my blindfold  
and cut the extension cord from around my ankles...

 

>Answer: "You're very welcome." At 7:30 p.m. I phoned the Sette's  
>with the results of my post bread eating hours. It went like  
>clockwork, exactly as they had told me.

Crow: [Interviewer] Now my stomach chimes every fifteen minutes!  
On the other hand, I'm hung like a pendulum!

 

>I wasn't hungry for 6 hours. Their bread really is great. I am truly  
>impressed."

Tom: [Jesse Ventura] And he don't impress easy!

Joel: [Interviewer] I wasn't brainwashed for six hours. Their  
bread is my god. I am but a poor Freebot...

Crow: Aren't we all... let's get outta here.

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

 

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

"OK everyone, welcome back to the Satellite of Love! We've got a  
few letters here to read and..." Joel began.

"Oops, check that. We've got someone calling us on the Hexfield  
viewscreen," Tom interrupted as Crow tapped the flashing purple light  
on the counter. The Hexfield opened to reveal a middle aged man and  
woman standing next to each other, both with huge grins on their faces.

"Hey, Scott! Irene! Thanks for coming!" Crow exclaimed while a  
confused Tom and Joel looked on. "Sorry about this, guys, but can we  
save the mailbag for another day? I've got an exclusive interview  
here!"

"Interview? Wait a minute, are those two...?" Realization dawned  
on Joel.

"Duh, Joel. He said Scott and Irene, clear as day," Tom muttered.

"All right, all right, let me just get my notes here..." Crow said as he  
slammed a giant pile of papers on top of the counter. "OK, here we go.  
Scott, booby, how ya doing? You and your wife still making bread to  
make bread?"

"Oh yes, we're convinced that Hunza Diet bread was one of the  
major reasons for the Hunzas' good health and..." Scott began.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know. The rats died so overweight people  
could go away. That's great. But let's cut to the chase and dwell  
into the REAL reason why this bread gives perfect health DESPITE all  
established scientific evidence to the contrary... isn't it true that  
your wife, Irene, in fact, made a DEAL with the DEVIL?!?" Crow's voice  
abruptly rose a few octaves.

"W-What?!?" Irene exclaimed, shocked.

"Yes, I can see it now! Irene, trapped in a kitchen over a hot stove  
with no escape in sight! Then Ol' Pitch himself appears and makes her a  
deal she couldn't refuse... the perfect bread for the perfect SOUL!"

"N-No! That's a lie! My wife would never...!" Scott exclaimed.

"Or perhaps it wasn't the devil at all..." Crow murmured as he began  
to rapidly pace back and forth. "Perhaps it was BIG BROTHER giving  
you the perfect recipe for bread... AND GLOBAL MIND CONTROL!"

"W-What the hell are you talking...!" Scott tried to interrupt again.

"Yes, I see it all now... the people KNOW about the fluoride in their  
drinking water... but they don't know about the fluoride in the HUNZA  
BREAD, do they!? DO THEY?!?" Crow screamed accusingly. "Seven  
essential nutrients... to ENSLAVE US ALL!!!"

"Look, I think this interview is ov..." Irene snapped.

"Or... or could it run even deeper than that? An ancient prophecy!  
The Hunzas have been waiting for this moment for hundreds of years and  
now their evil shadow is nigh! Yes, I see it all now... One bread to rule  
them all, One Sette to bake them, One conspiracy to blind us all and in  
the kitchen, bind us! IT ALL TIES TOGETHER!!!"

Crow, nearly foaming at the mouth now, dramatically swung his arm  
around and pointed a finger at the viewscreen. "I accuse YOU, Scott  
and Irene SETTE! I accuse the Hunzas! I accuse their bread and ALL  
the evil it stands for! Don't deny the truth! Don't wait for the  
translation!! ANSWER ME NOW!!!"

"Crow, for pete's sake, calm... down?" Joel stared at the viewscreen  
where Scott and Irene Sette had broken down in tears.

"Oh god! It's true, it's true! It's ALL true!!" Irene sobbed.

"Forgive us, O' cruel Hunza masters! But we cannot bear the guilt  
anymore! We will never bake your bread again!" Scott cried and held  
his equally despondent wife as the Hexfield viewscreen slowly closed.

There was a long moment of silence as Crow stared at the viewscreen  
while Joel placed a hand on Crow's shoulder. "Wow, Crow... that was...  
amazing!"

"But... how did you know?" Tom inquired.

"..." Crow mumbled quietly.

"Pardon?" Joel frowned.

"I... I didn't... I... I can't believe I was right... I was finally right about  
something!" Crow exclaimed with growing excitement. "This just proves  
that I need to start redoubling my efforts! I'll uncover EVERYONE'S  
secrets!"

Crow quickly turned to face Joel. "Joel, I think it's time you knew  
what I know about Gypsy, IF that is her real name! I have several file  
cabinets of circumstantial evidence that she's one of Conan O'Brian's  
writers! Not to mention grainy videotape of her selling oil in FLAGRANT  
contravention of OPEC regulations! And furthermore...!"

"Hoo boy... this could take a while." Tom muttered as Crow  
continued to rant about Gypsy while Joel noticed the red light flashing  
on the counter.

"Uh, what'da think, sirs?"

* * *

DEEP 13

"Hey Frank? Can I get your honest opinion on something?" Dr.  
Forrester asked as he stared into a tiny pocket mirror.

"Sure, Steve. What's up?" Frank replied as he sidled up next to him.

"Well... does this streak in my mustache look like a booger?"

Frank leaned in close to Dr. Forrester's face and studied it carefully.  
"Hmmmm, not really a booger per se... more of a toothpaste stain..."

"Oh... well, I guess that's not so bad," Dr. Forrester replied.

"The streak in your hair though..." Frank began.

"Just push the button, Frank," Dr. Forrester growled.

"Pushing, sir."

 

...AND THE MSTINGS  
CONTINUE...

 

We hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

Follow us on Twitter at (@MSTerMegane67) (@ZoogzMST)

Read our Blog at http://mstings.blogspot.ca/

You can also find our Let's Plays of AGS Adventure Games 'The Medical  
Theories of Dr. Kur', 'Witch Night' and coming soon, our Let's Play of 'Les Manley:  
Search for the King', along with a few other videos at:

https://www.youtube.com/user/MSTerMegane67 

I've been MSTing for almost twenty years now and I want to thank  
each and every person who's send me words of support and  
encouragement and who have helped me throughout the years. I  
treasure every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great  
honor that some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and  
tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you,  
thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to  
inspire and make you laugh for a long time to come. :)

I'd like to give personal thanks, once again, to Gary Kleppe, whose  
C&C and suggestions are always appreciated. I can't say enough nice  
things about this guy! :) If you haven't had a chance to check out the  
newest chapter of HaM, you can reach him at gary@garykleppe.org or  
his webpage at http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html and I'm sure he'll  
be happy to send the story along to you.

Also, I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who's in-depth C&C  
and riffs for this MSTing are always appreciated and for making  
the MSTing process so much fun! :)

\- Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema 3001' series can be found at  
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/  
including his latest MSTings:

\- 'Help Wanted' (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2)  
And  
\- '[None Yet Suggestions Welcome in Reviews!]' Pt. 1-3 (Sailor Moon)

Other recent MSTings we've done:  
\- '12 Months and a Year' (Street Fighter)  
\- 'A Date with Fate' (Sailor Moon Lemon)  
\- 'Two Worlds: Discovering Good Hearts' (Ranma 1/2)  
\- 'Wife or Kid' w/short 'Lunch Time' (Urusei Yatsura/WWF)  
(Sailor Moon)  
\- 'The Adventures of Captain Yaten' Pt. 1-2 (Sailor Moon)  
\- 'Finding Your Place' (Rurouni Kenshin)  
\- 'Loki Unties The Wolf' (Utena)  
\- 'The Life I Left Behind' (Multi Crossover)  
\- 'Eye of the Tiger' (Neon Genesis Evangelion / Xenogears)  
\- 'Wild Senshi' Pt. 1-2 (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2 / Yu-Gi-Oh Lemon)  
\- 'My Kid's An Alien!' Pt. 1-3 (Urusei Yatsura)  
\- 'The Light of my Hopes' Pt. 1-4 (Multi Crossover)

 

***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we've  
contributed to can be found in the various categories at:***

'A MSTing for All Seasons'  
http://www.nabiki.com/mst

'The MSTing Mine'  
http://www.keithpalmer.ca/msting-mine/

'Everything What Is Crap!'  
http://svamcentral.org/ewic/

 

>You can't win. There's no diet that exists where you don't suffer in  
>some way."

 

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations  
are trademarks of and (c) 2004, 2017 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights  
reserved.

 

Keep Circulating the Fanfics...


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